Mustache Monday Vol. 10!?!?!?!?

Today we're celebrating TEN long weeks of Mustache Mondays! On a Tuesday. Yeah.

Anyway, Mustache Fan, I have a doozie for you, he's a real 10! Meet BURKE!

In his own words, via his representation:

Heard you wanted to do a piece o’ journalism on me. You picked the right man, cause I’m a bona fide celeb, babe. Just hope you’re not workin’ for one o them communist propaganda papers like the New York Times…

About ME

Former kick-ass tennis star turned even more kick-ass Broadway star (Burke! on Broadway), I moved back home a couple a years ago to Hog Shooter, Alabama to teach munchkins the finer points of tennis. How was I supposed to know that they would all be so f*cking terrible? Seriously, if one of those little runts didn’t run away crying everytime I fired a 90 mile an hour ace at ‘em from across the court, I could make a champion outta him (or her, I guess a few girls are playing tennis nowadays). Come on, Timmy, you’re afraid of a little ball?! It bounces and it’s covered in felt! Stop being a nancyboy! It takes everything I’ve got not to curse those twerps out every goddamn day of my life.

Other than that my interests are cowboy boots, skeetshooting belt buckles, and pabst blue ribbon. Oh, and ladies. I’m also interested in ladies. Especially groups of ladies. A gaggle of ladies, if you will. And the ladies are interested in me.

--Burke

EDIT: So that was what Burke wrote for you. I should tell you a few things about Burke though. First, he’s a chronic exaggerator. He was a pro tennis player for a while, though he was mediocre at best. He did have an amazingly fast serve, but lacked the control to keep it in bounds most of the time. He was even worse on stage, in his flop Burke! on Broadway. The show ended after a two week run and a loss of $2 million because it was so god-awful. He does love cowboy boots, and always wore them onto the court before a match; he would even warm up in them, changing to sneakers just before play began. And he does like the ladies, though the ladies don’t like him. Unless he pays them.

I love ya, Burke! I wouldn't call me a lady though, ha ha ha nrrmmm nrmmmnn. Yr mustache is RILLY championship!

Mustache Monday, Tuesday Edition

COMING TOMORROW! AN INTIMATE EXCLUSIVE WITH BURKE, TENNIS PRO AND BROADWAY LUMINARY!

Philosopher Phriday, Interim Edition

Good Afternoon. Meredyth Disaster is on a Business Trip. I'm Claire Balderson for the BBC World Service. Due to Ms. Disaster's absence, in lieu of Philosopher Phriday, may I present "Philosopher Phriday Phroduct Phlacement!" (Now with Buttery Goodness™)

You can now own THIS DESIGN on the Tshirt, Hoodie, or Totebag of your choice, courtesy of noisebot.com.

http://www.noisebot.com/waxing_philosophic_pla-to_t-shirt

it's TEHHHHH AWESOME!!!

the zonky pegacorn

says "Happy Thursday"

i love you.

Rockies v. Padres: i almost caught a fly ball

well, ok, maybe i didn't. they look so lovely lofting through the air that i must have dreamt it. i did decide that attending baseball games is my new favorite thing. f'n hebrew national hot dogs, copious amounts of beer, cheering protocol. i freakin love it...i thought they only did the wave at football games?!? no no...baseball is much more exciting, much more dramatic interactions, as if the players on the team were actually players in a theatrical production. their movements as choreographed as a ballet. to watch them move is to witness an intricate dance, a beautiful repercussive display. i love it. i love it all, every detail, every bit of minutia (and if you know me, you know i HATE minutia). p.g. said, "it's all about baseball" and i concur. baseball reflects all the beauty that is missing out of life. and to those that mess with that purity i say, "you ought to be ashamed".

BABY CARROT NARWHAL

tangent while on travel for work

it's ok claire.

i've some great ideas for mustache monday. if only we didn't have real jobs that kept us from doing more interesting things like writing poetry, blawgs, painting, making puppets, movies, and mayhem ALL THE TIME. one day that will be our job. we will be awesome at it, and there won't be any misogynistic men or bureaucracy to hold us down. it is going to be more like bureaucrazy! and loyal readers (are there any of you?), i plan on scoring this weekend. tmi you say? naw, not when you see the brilliancy that eminates from a satiated woman. ima gonna be like the opposite of elaine in that Seinfeld where she is dating the med student who thinks that abstinence improves clarity, but elaine can't think for shite. no way, i'm going to be the opposite. next mustache monday might just kind of rule the world.

xo, merlikethesea

Mustache Monday Vol. 9

DEAR CATASTROPHE RECEPTIONIST!!!

I was at the office at 420 Lexington, 14th floor, between 43rd and 44th.

It was closing time, and I was trying to decide whether to put my still-damp (from that morning's deluge) Vans on, or just wear my heels to go meet friends for dinner. It had been raining off and on during the day, and so I wasn't surprised to hear a low rumble of thunder. The noise got louder and went on for much longer than thunder should go on. I heard people screaming in the street...I looked out of the window and saw people running north, away from the direction of the noise. Running and screaming. It looked like all the videos taken during 9/11. I thought it WAS 9/11 all over again...I really thought an airplane was about to crash into the building. I ran into the hallway, saw a woman from another office. I yelled, "EVERYONE IN THE STREET IS RUNNING AND SCREAMING! THERE'S A LOUD NOISE OUTSIDE! WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!" She started freaking out too.

I ran back inside and looked out the window again. I'm not sure what I was thinking. People were still running and screaming. Back in the hall, everyone from my office was getting ready to leave. We all clamoured into the elevator, like 15 people. I started to freak out when the elevator didn't start. "TAKE THE STAIRS!" I yelled.

We all ran down the stairs, 14 floors. I think I blacked out a little, because I don't remember the numbers until the 3rd floor. The sound of hundreds of people running down the stairs was nearly as thunderous as the noise from outside. I was running, and praying, probably audibly...Acts of Contrition, Hail Marys...my bare feet slapping against the stone stairs, John McClane style. At some point I started wondering what we'd find outside...burning bodies? napalm death? exploding fuselage? We finally popped out through an emergency exit, and made it into the Grand Central Market. The group started heading towards the front door of the market, and my instinct told me not to go that way. A man yelled,"GET AWAY FROM THE WINDOWS!" I ran back towards the main concourse. I heard people saying things about a tornado, that a bus had flown up into the air.

I ran with Craig and Bridget and Christine toward the Met Life building. We ended up walking northwest...towards the library, where we stopped and chatted with some cute guys in suits who were covered in mud, (Bridget and I are going to Missed Connections them, hopefully they're not too contaminated--nothing like disaster fucking!) and had evacuated their office at 375 Lex (I'd temped in that building last year.) From the library we had a clear view of the steam rising from the site of the explosion. At this point people were saying that a transformer had exploded; my friend Jared remarked today that his thought was "they're real!?!?" Hey, at this point, I was so confused that I don't think I would've blinked if Optimus Prime started stomping down the street.

With imminent danger seemingly behind us, Craig, Bridget and I set off to the south, to get to Bridget's apartment on 14th Street. (We were right near St. Patrick's Cathedral at this point, which was comforting to me...I swear, I think I refound Jesus yesterday. We stopped in a Payless and Bridget bought me some flip-flops. My money, IDs, housekeys, telephone...were ALL in our office. We walked to Union Square and got burgers and booze. I went to Bridget's, threw all my clothes into a plastic bag in case of contamination, put on some of Bridget's pajamas, and passed out.

This morning, we went to the office like normal...there is a weird smell in the air, and about a 4 block area is locked down. I recovered my belongings and peaced out. Craig is there now...thanks, Craig..I hope your day goes well. I guess I'm going to chill today and try to get my head together. I hope all of my NYC friends are doing ok today! It's not every day that you run for your life, right???

love IS a many splendored thing (i forgot)

lately i find myself
out gazing at stars
hearing guitars
like someone in love
sometimes the things I do astound me
mostly whenever you're around me

lately i seem to walk
as though i have wings
bump into things
like someone in laaaavvvve
each time i look at you
i'm light as a cloud
and feeling
like someone in love

-cole porter sung by björk

Mustache Monday Vol. 8

Sometime over the weekend, I received a text from Mer :

"it happed (sic) one night" IS one of the best movies ever. omg.

Since text drama is the subject of the day...the casual observer to my text message in and out boxes could assume that I am:

a. involved in espionage
b. a necrophiliac
c. a cock-block artist
d. straight gangsta
e. a pervert in general.

At any rate, due to exhaustionz, Mustache Monday is a bit laconic...cheers!

kind of a big deal

mer is apologizing in advance for being busy and important. this week that she probs won't be able to blawggg!!! here is a little bit of advice though: don't send insulting text messages without checking yer spelling...it somehow decreases the insult affect, and makes you look like an idiot. i didn't do that or anything. yes i did.

thursday tea time vol. 2

**drunk voice mail dictation**

Claire leaves the best messages at like 3 am. It’s not a bootie call cause she’s my bffr, it’s drunk dialing and it flippin’ rules.

Ejemplo uno

Hey Mer, it’s Claire. I’m wasted baetch. I don’t know (pause) what are you doing? I’m drunk son…~indiscernible babble~ Almost got into a fight with these girls…I think it’s because they’re white & getting pizza. Huh huh. I don’t even know, but it sucks. One girl was trying to be all in my face and I was all like ~nicey nice voice blah blah~ so I gave her my pizza. I’m not sure what happened. It’s so f#*ked up. Maybe dudes will call be & that’d be awesome. Loaf you, bye!!!

Ejemplo dos

Mer, it’s Claire! I’m so wasted. I’m @ this party. I don’t even know what’s going on. I’m f*#king wasted. There’s disco, listen! I’m so drunk, I feel nauseous. I think I am gonna hurl. I’m going to try to find a place to hurl. Mer! I love you, love you a lot (in gargled dinosaur voice).

yer tuesday soap opera

Craig finds out Mer is cheating on him, sends...

Mer: that's not me!!! it's cholë sevigny!

Claire B: I got some pics of Chloe. And she uses her mouth differently…

CM: I KNEW it! it's YOU cheater wifey!

M: it isn't my fault that i'm insati@ble
God made me this way
so he can't send me to he11 for it either

CM: I lobe you

C: Mer is a

O

M: ugh, i don't get it. who is that painter?

C: NYMPH
Hahaha
(Daphne and Apollo)

M: you know what they say about women approaching their 30s?
wait, do they say anything?
they should...specifically about me.

CM: how old are you? 30 is the new 20

C: 17 is the new 25. Huh huh.

craig guest "glogging"

mer is luna in a late-twenties format?

craig and mer, only with really bad taste in fashion

**overly personal email transmission**

C: Today fcking sucks

M: i know. mondays are like waking up into a bad dream.
like, "oh crap, this IS my life"
one time a few months after i started this job
i closed my "office" door and balled my eyes out like a baby
when it hit me that this was my life
then i got mad at myself and swore to never do that again.

C: You mean cry? Or work this job?

It’s just a means to an end. I keep telling myself that. I HAVE to do this, and keep this job. b/c being unemployed BLOWS!

M: crying is on par with working this job
i just did a really great bit on what it would be like to be my mother
"i'm gonna vote like my husband
and never question anything he says.
i'm really into floral decorating and gardening"
then gestured like i was vomiting
accompanying it with a really great blughech noise
i love my mom
but would never want her life

C: BLUGHECH is my new favorite thing.

C: I just wanna go “YOU TRYNA GET LOCO WITH ME, ESE?!?”

Claire sends...Mer edits

M: heck yes! was that on the Belafonte?

Claire sends...Mer edits

Craig: so much

M: maybe we have malaria?
i saw a t-shirt in the window of the outdoor shop in she-town
with a mosquito that said "got blood?”
remember that pu-rens song "musky toe"?
maybe i don't want my mom's life
but i do want to be pampered
i'm a g d princess.

C: There is seriously something in the water or air. EVERYONE I SPEAK TO IS AN IDIOT

M: is it like Rome? is our emperor poisoned? did he hang his horse?
NEROOOOOO!!!

Mustache Monday Vol. 7

Hooray for the non-ironic-though-hip indie music mustache!
Two championship examples:

JD Samson of Le Tigre...

And Eugene Hutz, of Gogol Bordello....

enjoy!!!!

i only blog at work

unfortunately, it is Sunday, and i am at work. cruel big brother

7/7/7

HEY MER, WHY DON'T WE BLOG ON WEEKENDS?!?!?

Philosopher Phriday: Vol. V

Dear Philosopher,
Is the world going to end in 2012 like the mayan calendar predicts?
I Wish I Was Dead

Dear IWIWD,
Things which from the beginning have achieved oneness:
Heaven achieves oneness in being clear.
Earth achieves oneness in stability.
Energy achieves oneness in spirit.
Valleys achieve oneness in filling.
The ten-thousand natural kinds achieve oneness in life…

When heaven lacks that with which to become clear,
we're on the point of fearing splitting.
When earth lacks that with which to become stable,
we're on the point of fearing spreading out.
When energy lacks that with which to become spirit,
we're on the point of fearing death.
When valleys lack that with which to become full,
we're on the point of fearing depletion.
When the ten-thousand natural kinds lack that with which to become alive,
we're on the point of fearing extinction…

**email transmission of thursday: help me**

Mer sends this to Clarie (CB) and Craig (CM)...
Craig just hung up on me. tell him i’m brain dead.

CM: I said "I hate the phone" and you said "I hate you too". I am crying right now :-(

M 2 CM: when i say that, it just means "i love you". plus i'm brain dead, and all my responses are guttural and perfunctory.

CM: teh :-)

M 2 CM: i feel like @ss

CM: just think about shania twain!

M 2 CM: can shania clone a non hungs mer?

M 2 CB: seriously. can you clone one of me that isn't hungs? what if i am developing bell's palsy?

CB: You aren’t!!!

CM: awwwww!! I wish I could make you feel better!

M 2 CM: me too, teh! i think i'm developing bell's palsy.

CM: no you aren't! don't even think those thoughts! or they will start to come true!! think of butterflies!! and amoebas!

M 2 CB: You’re right. my symptoms don't match at all. maybe it is just a Hemifacial Spasm.

CB: That’s what it is.

M 2 CB: ahh! it is the galway canal swans! maybe a swan hit me in the face with it's beak. those guys are vicious!

CB: It beak slapped you?

M: yeah, and made me fall and scrap my elbow too. it wasn't the vino, it was the swan.

CB: Heh. Teh. My butt hurts.

M: it was the hot dogs. i hear they make your butt hurt, especially if you eat them real fast.

CB: Totally. BUTT I woke up with my butt hurting before I ate said dog. I think I was nekid, too…umm…

M: were you singing a tiffany song?

thursday tea time

i could seriously use some kombucha. TOTES HUNG!

also, that monkey totally has a mustache

63 hot dogs ain't half bad.

And I was there, on the avenue, at Coney Island. There were a lot of championship mustaches in attendance, which I shall explore later, perhaps. Later, on the boardwalk, I ate a hot dog superfast, to see what it felt like. It was shitty.

Mustache Monday Vol. 6

http://underthebigtop.etsy.com/

Courtesy of Under The Bigtop at Etsy.com! Check out his other stuff, but don't buy my belt buckle....(guess which it is)

these are right championship...sorry no extensive MM blog today, soooo tired and busy!