Mustache Monday Vol. 26

Ceská Republika Edition

Noooo, don't shave it...

Also has a pretty mouth.

(Missing Mer) Mustache Monday Vol. 25

MER IS OFF BEING A BOHEMIAN IN PRAHA.

I'M IN TEH OFFICE BEING BORED AND LOOKING FOR NEW JOBS.

Mustache Monday Tuesday Edition Vol.2/Vol.24

Philosopher Phriday: Vol. XIII

Dear Philosopher:

I am in dire need of a change. I feel like my insides are going to burst through my body as if possessed by an alien life form. It could be the Yerba Mate or an overstimulated sex drive, but I don't think so. Unless something happens soon, I'm afraid that in the immortal words of Tupac Shakur, "It's check-out time" (figuratively speaking) and I haven't even seen "Into the Wild" yet!?! Is it more advisable to be morally or financially bankrupt?

Sojourner's Angst

peecture of adam smith is supposed to be here

Dear Sojourner:

Where a man would chuse rather to travel, than to live; Shall find more things to observe than desire, And more persons to esteem than to love. But the same Qualities and Dispositions do not value a private man and a State, nor make a Conversation agreeable, and a Government great...

Adam Smith

*email transmission of yesterday*

Ridiculously long email string that is actually heavily edited.
Hours of productivity lost.

C is Claire, H is Craig, M is Mer and J is Josh
(previously celebrated in MM Vol. 10)

(starting in mid-string)

J: Oh god, and now it’s just ___ and me back here and she’s talking about death…
Joshua
Your Ass’ Coordinator

C: Death rules!!!
El Dia De Los Muertos

J: Except when you’re discussing it with someone who’s, um, how do I put this gently? Old.
Joshua
Your Mom’s Coordinator

M: it's like making holocaust jokes with a j3w and a german.

J: I notice that you spelled jew as j3w… you know it’s not a bad word, right?
Joshua
Needs to Find a New Job as Some Other Sort of Coordinator Coordinator

J: Yeah… You hate jews. Excuse me, j3ws.

C: I mean I was disappointed to find out you WEREN’T a-choo!

J: Don’t get me wrong, I have no fear of death… I just don’t want to discuss it with someone who is significantly closer to it than I… there’s too much smiling and nodding to be done.
Joshua
Fanaticism Coordinator

H: you have no fear of death? I'm jealous. I'm terrified.

C: Me too…..jealous and terrified. I gotta get right with Jesus. Which means I have to give up the Juice….. I mean J3Ws

J: That’s why it’s so much better just not to believe in Jesus!
Joshua
The Son of God’s Coordinator

M: *clearing throat* Attention please, a child has been lost in the tunnel of goats.

J: YOU’RE A GOAT… IN A TUNNEL… or something.
Joshua
Livestock Coordinator

C: I just LOL’d re:Livestock Coordinator.

J: Was it a laugh out loud or a BAH out loud, goat?
Joshua
Mental Anguish Coordinator

M: the tunnel is a metaphor for jesus.

C: Oh, I thought the goats were for S’tan….

C: I just have a lasting anxiety in my soul, having been the victim of countless disasters in past lives, including but not limited to:
1. Pompeii
2. the Holocaust
3. the Vietnam War
This betch has died in a LOT of tragedies….i gotta get right with Laksmi the 8 armed goddess baby.

J: So which is it… jesus or laksmi? Or are they the same to you?
Joshua
Questioning Coordinator

M: don't you know there is only one true way to heaven? jesus said "i am the way, the truth, the light. no man enters into heaven, but by me."

J: Go read your bible, jesus freak.
Jesus… Satan… Same thing.
Joshua
Devil’s Adovcate Coordinator

J: So the fax machine just started dialing by itself, without anyone near it or feeding a fax into it… I think satan has heard our conversation…
Joshua
Sh!t-My-Pants Coordinator

C: Dang, has it been 7 years ALREADY?

M: the people in my office are probably wondering why i am laughing so loud. and then quietly snickering to myself in manner of pee wee herman.

J: So something’s definitely going… there was quite a bit of level 2 whispering when the team came back from the meeting a bit ago…
Joshua
Probably Not Going To Be Working Here Much Longer Coordinator

C: Something or someone?

J: Oh, um, “going on” not “going”… Damn you, Claire, beat me… Kinsey.

H: yeah claire...beat him. beat him real nice.

M: uhhh...i don't get it

J: Go back to church, Mary Magdalene!
Joshua
The Trip to Hell Coordinator

M: best one yet sh!the@d mcf1_1ckf@ce

J: When are you coming to NYC? We are so gonna fight. And, no, I won’t go easy on you just cause you look like a girl.
Joshua
B!tchslap Coordinator

C: Josh, she can totally kick your @$$.

M: totally kick your @$$. i have two older brothers AND i'm from bum f1_1ck. you don't stand a chance nancy boy.

J: Pleeeeease… I grew up in the projects… and I know Gun Fu.
Joshua
Your Funeral Coordinator

M:
J: Umm… does that mean that you’re tough?
Cause to me it means you got punched in the face.
Some of us are skilled enough to dodge punches…
Joshua
Smooth Coordinator

M: i got into a fight with some concrete stairs and got a better nose out of it.
what did you ever get out of dodging punches?

J: Respect.
Joshua
Accounting Coordinator

C: Oh, you’re back to normal now?

J: Yeah, I love accounting.
I’m going out for a cig before I start denying people their unemployment… anyone want to join?
Joshua
Poverty Coordinator

way to go

ALL OF THEM

unhhh...m.i.t.g.

if you watch one movie, it should be this

i demand to have some booze!!

two for tuesday: who would you rather?

Mustache Monday Vol. 23

Claire is back from vacay. She intends to illegally immigrate into Mexico.

Wacka-Oaxaca!!!!

how to win a costume contest

alright...so i was at the 9:30 club on halloween where there was a costume contest. i have a few pointers for you competitive types, after i b*tch a little. now, i am not saying my get up was the most original thing in the world. i was a toothfairy. however, i was a "spatially challenged" toothfairy. meaning i fly into windows, run into walls, and trip over air. this was illustrated by wearing a nose split/black eye, and bubble wrap: headband, (collar) ruff, peplum tabbed skirt and bustle sewn to tulle.

now maybe this wasn't evident, or my fashion design background touches were too "highbrow". my wings were made from hangers, aluminum foil, glitter, sequins and plastic wrap. the hand carved "tooth" wand cleared up any confusion as to what kind of fairy i was. regardless of this, i was overlooked in the competition, instead robbed by a "double dare" team and two pre-pubescent teenage girls in store bought "super girl" costumes. where is the reward for ingenuity here?

luckily, the final 5 were totally decent and deserving. examples of the winners were: paper mache head maggie simpson, dangle from Reno 911, you tube guy (must see), i pod guy, etc. soooo...here are the conclusive rules for winning a costume contest...

1) your costume must be "culturally relevant"
2) you must remain "in character" / play the part
3) it must have an element of "personalization"

maybe next year i should be something more obvious.
but you know what?
f it, i'm going to be a banshee.