Philosopher Phriday: Vol. IV

Dear Philosopher,

My new roommate is too hot! He says he's straight, but my naughty parts don't care about that. I need a roommate to help with rent, but I'm afraid I'll do something inappropriate and scare him off. How can I convince him to have sex with me without scaring off next month's rent?

Randy for the Roommate


Dear RftR,
A man who is in a state of passion, fails to consider in particular what he knows in general, in so far as the passions hinder him from considering it. Now it hinders him in three ways. First, by way of distraction, as explained above. Secondly, by way of opposition, because a passion often inclines to something contrary to what man knows in general. Thirdly, by way of bodily transmutation, the result of which is that the reason is somehow fettered so as not to exercise its act freely; even as sleep or drunkenness, on account of some change wrought on the body, fetters the use of reason. That this takes place in the passions is evident from the fact that sometimes, when the passions are very intense, man loses the use of reason altogether: for many have gone out of their minds through excess of love or anger...

send all burning queries to
mer.de.clair@gmail.com

claire n' craig

claire makes me feel nuts

craig turns me on

i love these people

L’enfer C’est Les Autre II (or, Mer stole my blog title)

l’enfer c’est les autre

wimbledon is all strawberries and cream

he fought gallantly to a fifth set

but the Spaniard proved to much for our brave knight

you have the heart of Britain

and this Irish-loving West Virginian too

God save the queen

(no really don't, she is dumb)

drunk dialing is teh awesome

1:09 am
claire to mer...

i'm straight up drunk dialing yo' ass
i'm drunk (rick james)
i'm...two for tuesdays! (in trucker voice)

loaf you! (in sweetest voice ever)

WV is Calling (for intelligent boyz)

has anyone else seen the plethora
of signage declaring, "West Virginia is Calling"
at Metro Center in DC?
http://wviscalling.com/

DC: "This is the District's multitute of hot young professional men."
WV: "Howdy, this iz West Virginia, where yal at?" *

*spoken in a country accent, ending in a preposition
love me, love my dialect

interpretation of mer's interview

a panel of squares

asking dreadfully boring questions

mer actually uses the words
"reamed me a new one"

later, she donates blood

further draining her life force

but damn, did she look hot

Mustache Monday Vol. 5

Happy Mustache Monday!

Saturday was the 25th Annual Mermaid Parade in Coney Island, Brooklyn, USA. I had an amazing time, feasted my eyes on all the lovely costumes and danced my ass off to this band : http://www.mamadigdown.com/index.html

And now, a selection of Saturday's Merstaches!

Philosopher Phriday: Vol. III

Dear Philosopher,

Why do they call them driveways when you park on them and parkways when you drive on them. Also, if women ran the pentagon would missiles be shaped differently?

Nuclear Proliferation Feminist

Dear NPF,
...forasmuch as men thus entering into societies, grounded upon their mutual compacts of assistance for the defence of their temporal goods, may, nevertheless, be deprived of them, either by the rapine and fraud of their fellow citizens, or by the hostile violence of foreigners, the remedy of this evil consists in arms, riches, and multitude of citizens; the remedy of the other in laws; and the care of all things relating both to one and the other is committed by the society to the civil magistrate. This is the original, this is the use, and these are the bounds of the legislative (which is the supreme) power in every commonwealth. I mean that provision may be made for the security of each man's private possessions; for the peace, riches, and public commodities of the whole people; and, as much as possible, for the increase of their inward strength against foreign invasions.

ohmygod SHOES.

If you live in New York City, you've no doubt seen the ubiquitous Tory Burch flat. Gracing the feet of women of all ages and backgrounds, but mostly young, affluent or social-climbing white women.

I fucking hate those shoes. They're butt ugly, b!


But peep out what I found to give a big middle finger to the Burchtards.....

the "Cash" flat by Wanted. It's like $40 on their website, but I got mine for $19.99, see. Which is a lot more charming than the $195 those betches shell for the T.B. Ungh!

photo: Francy Jones, feet: mines

***email transmission: g@y g@y g@y***

Claire sends Mer this...

In spring 1779, Hamilton asked his friend John Laurens to find him a wife in South Carolina: [Mitchell vol 1 p 199]:
"She must be young—handsome (I lay most stress upon a good shape) Sensible (a little learning will do)—well bred. . . chaste and tender (I am an enthusiast in my notions of fidelity and fondness); of some good nature—a great deal of generosity (she must neither love money nor scolding, for I dislike equally a termagant and an economist)—In politics, I am indifferent what side she may be of—I think I have arguments that will safely convert her to mine—As to religion a moderate stock will satisfy me—She must believe in God and hate a saint. But as to fortune, the larger stock of that the better."

Mer: what does it mean to hate a saint? also, i love the contradiction between how she most not love money but that the larger her fortune the better. i equally dislike economists. that's not true, economists seem ok.

Claire: Hahhahahaha right??? I am picturing him sitting at a desk, writing it out with thought bubbles around his head...and a picture of st. therese looking offended.

M: alexander hamilton is so smart. st. therese is such a hater.

C: Naw, dog. St. Therese is my homegirl. I pray to her when I have mad sh*tty work to do. She helps me clean the bathtub and stuff envelopes.

M: On her deathbed she said, "I have reached the point of not being able to suffer any more, because all suffering is sweet to me." i can totally jive with that. maybe in the afterlife she will snap rubber bands on my arm. i am such a closet catholic. ruler slaps are so cool.

C: That is, if you make it to where she is. Why is it that we suffer in this life so we can chill on clouds and eat mozzarella sticks without gaining an ounce in the next. And why is it, if you have a good time, with buttf*cking and running people over with your car, that you get eternal d@mnation?

M: you can mow ten people over with your car if you then
ask Jesus Christ to be your own personal savior
or anyways, my dad invented him

C: My karma ran over my dogma?

M: you should get a car and a dog and name them that
self-fufilling prophecy makes you go to heaven

C: Really?

M: No, I made that part up.

like a virgin

groads for shoads

stone cold dis

Dear Max,

I'm sorry to say that I have secretly found out that Mr. Blume is having an affair with Miss Cross. My first suspicions came when I saw them frenching at the museum, and then I knew for sure when they went skinny dipping in Mr. Blume's swimming pool, giving each other hand jobs while you were taking a nap on the front porch. Why am I telling you this now? Because you're such a good friend. Take care, pal.

Fondly,

Dirk Calloway

happy wednesday

ode to craig

i ain't sayin' i'm a golddigger

but i sure would love to have a rich boyfriend!

Mustache Monday Vol. 4

Simply...Goulet. Click for big Goulet!

west virginia weekendz: vol. 2

last weekend was crazy
my hetero-life-mate (HLM) was in town
i’ve got enough shake face pictures for 3 blogs
so many in fact
that i think i’m suffering from a mild concussion
which was exacerbated by doing cartwheels and interpretive dance
also, i fell out of a rocking chair
Charlie had to carry me and apparently i commented
“Charlie, you’re so strong”
hilarious

alienated an already annoyed captain awesome
by texting such brilliant bits of comedic genius like
“we can’t find the mescaline”
while drunkenly exploring Cameron’s cacti
(non-hallucinogenic of course)

i feel guilty about bothering him
and am def-o giving myself a mental nine rounds as penance
if only things were as Ferris Bueller said,
“you can never take it too far”

there are plenty of “mer loves everyone” photos
i kissed some dude at the scourge of the earth, Tony’s, ugh
so class
i really do love everyone

unfortunately, i am suffering from post-weekend insanity depression
(that’s in the DSM-IV…totally legit)
and really just want to curl up in bed and have a good cry
so, if my blogs seem less inspired this week
blame it on PWID which probably has something to do with
this crazy Peruvian liquor i was doing shots of

p.s. Jim Sheridan’s “get rich or die tryin” is better than you think…50 cents story is reflective of the archetypal Irish immigrants, totally.

Philosopher Phriday: Vol. II

Help me Philosopher!

I HAS BEDBUGS!
What should I do?

Bugged Out in the Lower East Side

Dear Bugged Out in the Lower East Side,

Christianity finds sickness necessary, just as the Greek spirit had need of a superabundance of health--the actual ulterior purpose of the whole system of salvation of the church is to make people ill. And the church itself--doesn't it set up a Catholic lunatic asylum as the ultimate ideal?--The whole earth as a madhouse?--The sort of religious man that the church wants is a typical decadent; the moment at which a religious crisis dominates a people is always marked by epidemics of nervous disorder; the inner world" of the religious man is so much like the "inner world" of the overstrung and exhausted that it is difficult to distinguish between them; the "highest" states of mind, held up be fore mankind by Christianity as of supreme worth, are actually epileptoid in form--the church has granted the name of holy only to lunatics or to gigantic frauds in majorem dei honorem. . . .

Email questions for the philosopher to mer.de.clair@gmail.com

shakeface showdown

west virginia weekendz

( cleek to make eet beeg)

broke ass jane pratts

***EMAIL TRANSMISSION OF THE DAY***

Claire sends the following...

M: lets do it!

C: Sell our souls?

M: why not!?!

C: Because! Eternal d@mnation!??!?! For only 7 years of nightzout?

M: more like 10 for me. we don't get eternal damnation. we get narnia!!!!!!!

C: So we have to walk through all the fur coats first?

M: we can paint them on our way out, and maybe score with some hot boyz to add to the damnation bit. Narnia is so hott (i mean cold)

M: no more? i wanted to liken the ice queen to Satan!

C: Oh yeah sorry I totes dropped the ball……arf

M: well pick it up!

C: ***CRIES LIKE FAT CHINESE BABY***

M: ima gonna turn you into an ice statue ya friggin’ pansy

goldilocks thinks this beer is just right

BUY MER AN OLD SPECKLED HEN AT THE BRICKSKELLER

and yes, she realizes that this references two different fairy tales

a loaf letter to mer

Mustache Monday Vol. 3

In this Afternoon Edition of Mustache Monday, we proudly bring to you the very honorable mustaches of the Chinese stereotype!

Originating around the beginning of the 20th century as a Western response to the "Yellow Peril", evil genius Fu Manchu revolutionized the world of mustaches with his eponymous tendrils..

Following closely in the mustache wax trail of F.M. is the venerable detective Charlie Chan. Like F.M., Chan was portrayed in the movies and on television by....a white guy.

Of course, the Moustache Chinoisie has been ever present in the world of Hong Kong, Kung Fu, and Exploitation cinema. One of my recent favorites is, if you haven't guessed by now, Pai Mei from both Kill Bill and Hung wen tin san po pai lien chiao, as portrayed by Gordon Liu. Yeah, ok I totally haven't seen the latter. Feast your eyes:

Gong Xi Fa Cai!!!

it keeps me insane

i can't handle the rooster anymore

wish i could slap a train conductor silly

with one of those damn chickens

give me a raving schizophrenic anyday

at least that is slightly amusing

pre mustache warm-up

leaves of grass, gas, or ass! (no one rides for free)

Philosopher Phriday: Vol. I

Questions for the Philosopher?

Email them to mer.de.clair@gmail.com

this weekend I'm going to...

i'm tewtelly sexcited!!! you can't fuck with Mer's house!!!

that's Ka-Blamo!

http://www.thelonelyisland.com/shorts.html

mer is such a girl...hanging with just 2 guyz.

Wifey McMiddleton

this is Craig, we just got hitched

sorry intelligent boyz, i am off the market

Plays Like Mike, Is a Jerk Like Him, Too

http://www.slate.com/id/2167681/nav/tap3/ ha ha. i loaf jerks.

i know, mastercard spoofs are so played out

redwood forest fairy

I believe in everything until it's disproved.

So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons.

It all exists, even if it's in your mind.

Who's to say that dreams and nightmares

aren't as real as the here and now?

- John Lennon

enemies or lovers?

"Men are rather reasoning than reasonable animals,

for the most part governed by the impulse of passion."

- Alexander Hamilton

this weekend! NIGHTZOUT!!! Antietam styleeeeeeee!!!

click teh make it beeeg...Abe Lincoln is Mr. Lova Lova!

i got yr Lincoln Logs right hurrrrr.

click fer biggrrr

disjointed and totally lowbrow...Claire to Mer.

via company email:

I saw you called.

Passed out with all the lights on

In my dream I heard someone say….

“How can you sleep like that??”

And then I heard you or me…it was like a maniacal Claire-Mer combo..

“I’LL MAKE YOU SLEEP!”

and then I put a People magazine with Lindsay Lohan on the cover over my head.

Hahahahaha

I woke disoriented at 7:55….

the economist

Note: this blog is a redo…the original is written on a United Airlines napkin and is probably littering San Francisco.

i was perusing the magazine racks at the airport, looking for some flight reading (get it?). After considering the highly intellectual publications of “Jane” and “OK”, i decided that perhaps it was time i started reading about things like climate change (which the economist cover boasted) as opposed to fashion magazines and classic novels that i fall asleep reading after like ten pages.

It is strange that i would buy “the Economist”, because not only did i hate Economics in college, i actually cried studying for my Microeconomics final because i couldn’t hack it and knew a “C” was inevitable (it was & in hindsight, who cares).

As i was saying…”the Economist” had me at Ahern (lame reference!), Bertie Ahern. Its pictures are sparse yet affecting (bertie sporting a fantastic pink striped tie). In addition, their articles actually continue on the next page (Vogue, for the love of all things great and small, please take note). This greatly facilitates my non-linear pattern of reading which usually includes reading things completely disjointed until the entirety is read.

By the end of the flight (which Craig so diligently tracked- he’s a doll, we are getting married tomorrow should you like to throw us a party)…i had read nearly everything, saving Tony Blair’s “lessons learned” essay for the return flight. As soon as i move to DC, i am tewtelly subscribing, using the subscription envelope (hello, brilliant!). Long story short, read “the Economist” and “the Alchemist” while you’re at it...they’ll change your life, and if they don’t, you probably don’t get it anyways. You probably also fell asleep on a tray table during a “red eye” flight across our fine country and have a serious crick in your neck…oh wait, that’s me.
xo, mer

mer likes the sea