Ovulating Urges? Find Jesus.

Philosopher Phriday: Vol. XVI [Holy Crap Edition]

Dear Philosopher,

The economy is in the sh*tt3r, we’ve a lame duck in the oval office, and people are needlessly dying of hunger, disease, and war. i live in the center of the free world and am constantly reminded of all of this, mostly from loud mouthed young professionals. i totally care and stuff, but mostly i just want to listen to tunes, ride my bike and take the world in through my eyes like a tall drink of water. Does this mean i am shallow and a non-productive member of society? Is it possible that maybe positive energy can spark a light in all you see?

Aura Reflection/ Stable Economy

Dear ARSE:
…It is called the rebellion of the masses. In order to understand this formidable fact, it is important from the start to avoid giving to the words “rebellion,” “masses,” and “social power” a meaning exclusively or primarily political. Public life is not solely political, but equally, and even primarily, intellectual, moral, economic, religious; it comprises all our collective habits, including our fashions both of dress and of amusement.

Perhaps the best line of approach to this historical phenomenon may be found by turning our attention to a visual experience stressing one aspect of our epoch which is plain to our very eyes.

Philosopher Phriday: Volume XV- Tuesday Political Edition (IT'S FI_ICK*NG BACK)

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Philosopher Phriday: Vol. XIV

Dear Philosopher,

So I haven’t read the Mitchell Report, the most definitive document to date regarding the use of steroids and human growth hormone among professional baseball players. However, I cannot help but be dismayed by the players that tamper with the purity of such a graceful sport. Crap, even the minute amount of players with Boston Red Sox affiliation is discounted due to Mitchell’s association with the club.

Is this a large-scale blow to our beloved national pastime, a McCarthyesque witch hunt, or merely another baseball-related list to prolong the men of America from “blowing their load”?

Disillusioned Ethical Avid Fan

Dear DEAF,

Winning is only possible is you are able to risk losing, just as wisdom is only possible if you are able to admit ignorance.*

*From: “Baseball and Philosophy: Thinking Outside the Batter's Box” by Eric Bronson

Mustache Monday (Tuesday Edition Vol. 3) Vol. 27

Philosopher Phriday: Vol. XIII

Dear Philosopher:

I am in dire need of a change. I feel like my insides are going to burst through my body as if possessed by an alien life form. It could be the Yerba Mate or an overstimulated sex drive, but I don't think so. Unless something happens soon, I'm afraid that in the immortal words of Tupac Shakur, "It's check-out time" (figuratively speaking) and I haven't even seen "Into the Wild" yet!?! Is it more advisable to be morally or financially bankrupt?

Sojourner's Angst

peecture of adam smith is supposed to be here

Dear Sojourner:

Where a man would chuse rather to travel, than to live; Shall find more things to observe than desire, And more persons to esteem than to love. But the same Qualities and Dispositions do not value a private man and a State, nor make a Conversation agreeable, and a Government great...

Adam Smith

if you watch one movie, it should be this

i demand to have some booze!!

how to win a costume contest

alright...so i was at the 9:30 club on halloween where there was a costume contest. i have a few pointers for you competitive types, after i b*tch a little. now, i am not saying my get up was the most original thing in the world. i was a toothfairy. however, i was a "spatially challenged" toothfairy. meaning i fly into windows, run into walls, and trip over air. this was illustrated by wearing a nose split/black eye, and bubble wrap: headband, (collar) ruff, peplum tabbed skirt and bustle sewn to tulle.

now maybe this wasn't evident, or my fashion design background touches were too "highbrow". my wings were made from hangers, aluminum foil, glitter, sequins and plastic wrap. the hand carved "tooth" wand cleared up any confusion as to what kind of fairy i was. regardless of this, i was overlooked in the competition, instead robbed by a "double dare" team and two pre-pubescent teenage girls in store bought "super girl" costumes. where is the reward for ingenuity here?

luckily, the final 5 were totally decent and deserving. examples of the winners were: paper mache head maggie simpson, dangle from Reno 911, you tube guy (must see), i pod guy, etc. soooo...here are the conclusive rules for winning a costume contest...

1) your costume must be "culturally relevant"
2) you must remain "in character" / play the part
3) it must have an element of "personalization"

maybe next year i should be something more obvious.
but you know what?
f it, i'm going to be a banshee.

two for tuesday: the double fist pound jazz hands

patented by francois and merlikethesea

(click to make it beeg)

Philosopher Phriday: Vol. XII

Dear Philosopher,

Every autumn an overwhelming sense of melancholy fills my spirit. I start having premonitions of my demise, and lately I have been smelling mothballs EVERYWHERE. Is this just a reaction to our protracted summer season or is my quandary of imperative gravity?

Autumn Death Sense

Dear Death Sense,

God should not concern us.
Death is not to be feared.
What is good is easy to obtain.
What is bad is easily avoided.

OH NOOOOEZ!

Due to an unfortunate disaster involving Ms. Disaster, this week's Philosopher Phriday is once again postponed. After an epic and violent fall from a flight of stairs in the style of Scarlett O'Hara, Ms. Disaster's proboscis is experiencing a bit of a displacement. The patient is in jovial spirits and reports that said body part resembles "parentheses."

This was supposed to be posted on Friday

Philosopher Phriday: Vol. XI

Dear Philosopher,
I think I am in love with Lapo Elkann, the stylish but brilliantly troubled heir to the Fiat empire. How do non-rich/model/celebrity but cute and awesome grrls like me get their hands on such a man? Are we relegated to normalcy forever?
Lover of Lapo

Dear LOL,
The wish to acquire is in truth very natural and common, and men always do so when they can, and for this they will be praised not blamed; but when they cannot do so, yet wish to do so by any means,then there is folly and blame.

...just as those who draw landscapes place themselves below in the plain to contemplate the nature of the mountains and of lofty places, and in order to contemplate the plains place themselves upon high mountains, even so to understand the nature of the people it needs to be a prince, and to understand that if princes it needs to be of the people.

Philosophy Phriday: What do you think?

Ms. Disaster is going on a debauch holiday. i know what you are thinking. right? like she needs one. Here is the question for the Philosopher who is totally passed out from what i hear.

Dear Philosopher:

My neighbour was wasted the other day at my local watering hole and hit on me inappropriately. Now i wonder if he is like looking in my windows at night and peeping me in my skivvies. How should i handle this horribly uncomfortable situation?

Weirded out in Smallsville

withnail & i

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/12493769525206137149/Withnail-and-You

omg...there is a test regarding my favorite movie ever

you probably haven't seen it, but then again

you probably aren't as cool as barry

Two for Tuesday Showdown: Hair of the Dog

"hair of the dog" is a fairly new term to me though the concept is most certainly not. apparently others have heard of this term as well... for example, it is: a brewing company, Irish folk band, and the title of a song with the most ridiculous lyrics i've ever seen (a must read). i could seriously use some of this right now...you're thinkin, jaysus girl, it's tuesday. let's just say, i cave under peer pressure easily.

Philiosopher Phriday: Lazy, Irate Edition

Dear PHILOSOPHER:

NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME AND MY BLOG. WAAAAH!

-WHINY BLOGGER

Dear WB,

Dear Whiney Blogger,

I suppose your Nirvana has already peaked and descended, running along the approximate trajectory as the WB network, which closed on Sunday, September 17, 2006 with The Night of Favorites and Farewells, a block of their "signature" shows. It is pretty much down hill from here, so you might as well accept it. No one gives a crap about your "Philosopher Phriday" nonsense. Do yourself a favor, and go back to a small overpriced liberal arts college and get a degree in Philosophy. Now THAT would do a WORLD of good. Or Mer de Claire, you can just roll with your under-utilized fashion design and puppetry degrees and never fully realize yourself at all while engaging in self-destructive behavior and chasing boys that ultimately make you miserable anyhow. WOW...where did that rant come from? I mean, enlightenment, noble truths, eightfold path, blah blah blah...

-Ms. Disaster

p.s. i smell like a hippie, which must mean i am like, in touch with the universe.

send your whiney beetching to merdeclair@gmail.com

Philosopher Phriday: Vol. VIII

Dear Philosopher,

I just have to have the latest movies on DVD before they hit the stores. There’s a Mexican lady who sells these dvds in the subway at 8th avenue. She brings her kids along to help her, and sometimes they have churros. I like churros. Where else can I get a $5 copy of the Simpsons movie AND a sweet rolled dough cinnamonny comestible delight? I guess my point is… is this morally indecent? Am I contributing to an underworld crime ring? If I alert the authorities to Marielena’s doings, am I sending her and her children to the flophouse? Does she rely on my purchase of that new Markie Mark j0int to send money home to Chihuahua? Please advise.

--Guilty Whitey
Dear GW,

I am at the end of my rope. I am nauseated by life; it is insipid, without salt and meaning. If I were hungrier than Pierrot I would not choose to eat the explanation people offer. One sticks a finger into the ground to smell what country one is in; I stick my finger into the world, it has no smell. Where am I? What does it mean to say: the world? What is the meaning of that word? Who tricked me into this whole thing and leaves me standing here? Who am I? How did I get into the world? Why was I not asked about it, why was I not informed of the rules and regulations but just thrust into the ranks as if I had been bought by a peddling shanghaier of human beings? How did I get involved in this big enterprise called actuality? Why should I be involved? Isn’t it a matter of choice? And if I am compelled to be involved, where is the manager? I have something to say about this. Is there no manager? To whom shall I make my complaint?

Philosopher Phriday: Vol. VII

Dear Philosopher,

I really want to live and work in our nations capital. However, is only applying to jobs there defining my own destiny without allowing the universe to offer guidance? Should I be more open to options and look elsewhere as well?

Seeking A Path

Dear SAP,

There are only two ways to conquer destiny or be independent of it. One is to enquire for whom is this destiny and discover that only the ego is bound by destiny and not the Self and that the ego is non-existent. The other way is to kill the ego by completely surrendering to the Lord, by realizing one's helplessness and saying all the time, 'Not I, but Thou, oh Lord' and giving up all sense of 'I' and ‘mine’, and leaving it to the Lord to do what he likes with you. Complete effacement of the ego is necessary to conquer destiny, whether you achieve this effacement through Self-enquiry or bhakti marga (path).

***email transmission of the day***

Mer sends…

Subject: the alchie
is making me burn up
it is burning through my pores

C: Uh oh…

M: i know. i am going to be consumed in flames right directly.
what is the super hero that does that?

C: The flame? Yo no se.

M: Ahh hah! Brilliant!

The Human Torch (Johnny Storm) is a fictional character, a Marvel Comics superhero who is a member of the Fantastic Four. First appearing in Fantastic Four #1 November 1961, he was created by writer Stan Lee and artist Jack Kirby, although he was based on the Golden Age character of the same name, created by Carl Burgos.
Like the rest of the Fantastic Four, the Human Torch gained his powers on a spacecraft bombarded by cosmic rays. He can fly, control fire and safely surround himself in flames. "Flame on!", which the Torch customarily shouts when activating his full-body flame effect, has become his catchphrase.
The youngest of the group, he is brash and thrill-seeking when compared to the more cautious Mr. Fantastic and Invisible Woman, his brother-in-law and sister, and the grumbling Thing.

C: Flame on, Mer. Flame on.

gained his powers on a spacecraft bombarded by cosmic rays. (err BOOZE)

M: exactly. we could also work that into that Hemingway quote i sent you earlier.

“Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” - Ernest Hemingway

so if you're wasted and say you're like invincible or can burst into flames like you HAVE to be when you're sober.

C: Teh?!?!?